My father was a disturbed man. It is not his death I mourn when his yahrzeit comes every year; it\u2019s something else. This is a complicated grief. Today his yahrzeit brings up less terror and more sadness as I trust his absence more.<\/p>\n
This year I was surprised to receive my yahrzeit notice from my former synagogue, although we haven\u2019t been members since we moved away before my father died. I recall these yahrzeit notices for my parents as both helpful and annoying. Helpful because the Hebrew dates change each year on the secular calendar and it\u2019s hard to keep track of when to say Kaddish. Annoying because of what I\u2019ve perceived as the lie in the assumption that I\u2019d want to honor my father\u2019s life. What do they know about it? <\/em>I\u2019d think, conflicted.<\/p>\n This is a thorny, complex grief.<\/p>\n I read this year\u2019s letter carefully, with new eyes, and I see that it\u2019s offering me comfort and peace. I need this. I need comforting.<\/em><\/p>\n It\u2019s been eight years since my father\u2019s death, fourteen since my mother\u2019s. More than that, in fifty years of adulthood I have never said how much I need to be comforted. Not even to myself.<\/p>\n My former synagogue remembered to say this to me in their yahrzeit letter, remembered that I lost something this day, and asked me to remember this is also a time I can feel embraced and comforted.<\/p>\n \u201cWhy would they send you that letter, all of a sudden, out of the blue?\u201d my friend asks. \u201cMaybe it\u2019s your father, offering comfort.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWouldn\u2019t that<\/em> just take the cake!\u201d I say, but I consider his outlandish words.<\/p>\n The world is far more baffling and convoluted than I can conjure. Such a thought challenges everything\u2014even forgiveness would be obsolete. My friend must be toying with me. He\u2019s becoming woo-woo, or at the very least, spiritual.<\/p>\n And I do it, I imagine a world larger than terror and lacerating pain and meanness and helplessness.<\/p>\n What if the letter was<\/em> my father, offering comfort?<\/p>\n Of course it wasn\u2019t. But what if?<\/p>\n This expanded view is mind-altering, greater than self.<\/p>\n Oddly, it comforts me.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" My father was a disturbed man. It is not his death I mourn when his yahrzeit comes every year; it\u2019s something else. This is a complicated grief. Today his yahrzeit brings up less terror and more sadness as I trust …<\/p>\n